The Birthday Gift
Becoming a better parent has been one of the unexpected benefits of my health journey. It was unexpected, because it involved changing my attitudes and behavior, not my children’s.
Here is an example from my book, A Life Yet to Live: Finding Health, Vitality and Joy after 60, where I experienced a “lightbulb moment” – an insight that enabled me to achieve greater inner well-being as well as give my daughter the birthday celebration she deserved.
Plans for a Bicycle Party
By age 10, my eldest daughter Jessica had become an avid bike rider. At the start of spring that year, 3 months before her actual birthday, I gave her an early birthday present, a new bike, so she could use it as soon as possible. She wanted to have a bicycle birthday party in Hyde Park, London. We rode through the park together for weeks to scout party locations.
Her final choice was an assembly of large rocks in a circle, near a small playground where she played as a toddler. The plan was for ten of her classmates and friends to meet near Kensington Palace with their bikes or scooters.
Together we would ride through Hyde Park to arrive at the selected party spot. Jessica’s mom planned to be waiting there with a birthday picnic she had prepared, plus games and music. The whole activity was Jess’s creation, inspired by a scene from a favorite Angelina Ballerina book.
The Day of the Party Arrives, Along with Uncomfortable Feelings
The morning of the big day, I woke up grumpy, having flown back to London from New York a couple of days before. Despite lingering jet lag, I knew I had to get moving with the party logistics. I went to the kitchen for a morning tea thinking to myself, The last thing I feel like doing today is schlepping through Hyde Park with a bunch of ten-year old girls on bikes.
This thought was followed by an uncomfortable sensation inside my gut. Something inside me wanted to surface. Sipping my tea, I allowed this uncomfortable feeling to percolate as I stared at the sky through the kitchen window.
Over the next few minutes, something deep rumbled to the surface. It dawned on me – I was resenting my own daughter and the excitement of her day! This wasn’t something I felt because of her or her birthday. It wasn’t even aimed at her. It was touching a deep sadness I was carrying about my own father.
My father taught me how to ride a bike when I was five. He died when I was seven, leaving a giant hole in my life. I never had the loving attention of a father on my own tenth birthday the way my daughter would on this day. I never got a chance to enjoy the exhilaration of riding with him. This sadness from his death was the bedrock of my internal world, a subconscious drama.
As I allowed this realization to sink in, my outlook for Jessica’s birthday party completely changed. Nearly in tears, I realized that light and understanding now stood where darkness and turbulence had overtaken me a moment before. A beautiful gift of transformation!
With a new lightness and buoyancy, I woke up Jessica on her special day. Rather than harboring the resentment of moments before, I felt genuine, unconditional love and showered her with it. Energy and vitality replaced my sluggishness. The birthday party was a great success. Most important, Jess was the center of attention while I stayed glowingly content in the background, making sure things went smoothly.
Along with renewed love for my daughter, I understood that I had deserved that kind of attention as a child. The fact that I didn’t get it made me no less deserving of it. I realized my early life deprivations had nothing to do with Jess and her friends. They deserved the best day possible, and I helped make that happen.
Embrace Uncomfortable Feelings – They Can Lead to Clarity and Light
That day was a turning point in my understanding. The contagious joy of Jess’s tenth birthday was a springboard to open a productive period in my life. I dropped age-old resentments about my own childhood trauma. I started seeing ways this dynamic had surfaced in other situations, with other people. And I knew this clarity – this understanding – directly impacted my inner well-being as well as my daughter’s.