My Bucket List:

Some Thoughts on Approaching 75

“We live in a state of perpetual disassociation from the almost unbearable wonder of being alive.” — Maria Popova, The Marginalian

Most of us have a bucket list—something we want to do or somewhere we want to go, especially as we get older. In fact, I know some people who were recently at the Kumbh Mela in India, the Hindu bathing festival in the Ganges that takes place every 12 years, because it was on their bucket list. And while this ritual festival, which was attended by upward of 450 million people this year, would be a sight to behold and experience, to me it pales in comparison to  the miraculous wonder of my being alive at all (and the reality that I won’t be forever).

There are many wonders on this earth. They are all around us and inside us, as well as in exotic and expensive destinations. The difference is how open we are to experiencing them. We usually just don’t allow ourselves to experience the simple wonders in and around us, believing that they are elsewhere. My ability to see them depends on what is going on inside me: my health, clarity, freedom, and spontaneity in everyday life.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever travel again. But taking my wondrous self on a journey in which I experience the same health and joy of being alive that I try to experience every day is different from going somewhere one day to tick a box, or experience something that I feel is missing from my life. The other problem I have with conventional bucket lists is that are about planning for the future, often at considerable expense, and the anticipation of looking forward to that experience diminishes my experience of what is right in front of me.

Later Life Is “Here and Now” Time

I try to live every day not necessarily as if it will be my last one but with the mindful recognition that one day I won’t be here and alive anymore. This awareness of my impermanence might seem radical to you, but try it sometime. It changes things! For me it puts my life and activities into perspective. Particularly as I am turning 75 very soon it makes me conscious that there is now less time for me as a living being here on earth than there was before. So, focusing on extending my health, and living every one of those remaining days and moments as engaged with life as possible, becomes very important.

Most of us live our lives running around pursuing this or that, coming and going, being with others, and spending our time trying to enjoy ourselves. Yet this consciousness I am speaking of is not part of that active, busy-ness aspect of our lives. As the quote above states, it is almost unbearable to live with the idea of our own being here, and even harder to live with the idea of not being here. As humans we are the only creatures on the planet, maybe in the universe, who have any idea of our own mortality. To me, it is blessed and scary at the same time. Every other organism lives in the vibrant light of life in the present moment, no past or future. We are very special and very different in that regard.

When the first humans in recorded history realized this, they began to explore lots of ways to come to terms with this awareness of our mortality. The great Axial Age 2,000-3,000 years ago, the age of Buddha, Socrates, Christ, Lao Tzu, and the Upanishads and Hindu culture, among others, spawned religions and disciplines that are still grappling with this issue. A big part of the wisdom that was discovered is that our inner lives determine much of how we experience the world outside us.

My own experience of life is filled with diversions, pastimes, and myriad ways to spend time not being present. But it is also now infused with more and more time just being: sitting, standing, or moving with this awareness, or eating with this awareness, or being with others with this awareness. When I am able to experience it, the ability to feel the wonder of life the way it was given to me at birth, I find great joy. And the more I practice being present the more I am able to experience it.

The Lure of Being Somewhere Else

There is nothing wrong with being afraid of getting older, becoming sick, and eventually dying. It is the poignant center of what drives us to embrace life and health more enthusiastically in our later years, or at least it should be. Yet in our relentless modern lives we are very often seeking ways to avoid, delay, or distract us from this fate. By not consciously acknowledging the underlying, fearful yet wonderful, reality that our lives are temporary, that we are not immortal, by distracting ourselves from this awareness, we rob ourselves of truly living. We rob ourselves of the opportunities to do the things that really matter to us and care for ourselves and others in a way that would prolong our health and lives. The “mortality moment” that I write about in my book was a completely unexpected voila moment that hit me with an emotional mixture of hope, fear, mortality, and optimism about what was to come. In facing all this, my life and my health habits changed.

Avoiding the realities of mortal life leads to all sorts of distractions from it, whether they are screens, trips, addictions, or belief that there is some other reality (perhaps a miracle drug) that will somehow keep us from seeing our mortal fate. As a good friend of mine says: “Nothing planned or anticipated is ever as special as the spontaneous and unexpected magic of something that hits you out of the blue.”

The Modern Health Scene

I spend much of my current life surveying the scene of modern health in all its aspects but particularly as it applies to pursuing a healthy later life and preventing illness. I do this to deepen my own practice as well as to share what’s working for me with others. Today’s health scene is a relentlessly chaotic marketplace, full of all sorts of advice, medical and non, recommendations and studies, as well as believers and deniers of many stripes. It is truly a modern Tower of Babel with little common ground between the many camps of different theories and practice. As Boomers have aged into their later years and Gen Xers approach this stage of life, the fear of growing old and dying has exploded this marketplace to dizzying heights in terms of volume, content, and outrageous claims. I don’t see this changing anytime soon, if at all.

I have found what I believe is the only viable way to come to terms with health and mortality, my own inner path, of trying to live in the here and now and accept the ultimate impermanence of my life. I embrace the wonder of health and life that was given to me and experience them right now. It is an unconventional, sometimes hard, sometimes lonely, path. But it brings me gifts of wonder and joy beyond anything I have experienced in life thus far. My health is one of those gifts. It comes from inside, a gift given to me by a wondrous universe. The ultimate wonder and miracle of how it all works in me is my institute of higher education: my mind, senses, and physical body. This is where I learn more about life every day. My job is to show up, pay attention to them, to take care of myself, and to live in their grace— and always realize just how special it is to be healthy and alive, right here and right now.

So that’s my bucket list: This day of health, wonder and awe! (and then another, and another…)