How Your Behavior and Ailments May Be Part of a Bigger Picture
Part I: The (Largely Hidden) Long Arm of Childhood Trauma
I recently listened to a poignant and touching podcast by Dr. Peter Attia, author of Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity about his own treatment in a recovery center that was prompted by a breakdown in his family relationships. The therapist he interviewed, Jeff English, said, among many other worthwhile points in this long interview, that most of us can’t admit we were emotionally wounded as children—and continue to be wounded—and that the goal of his recovery training is to be able to admit that we are vulnerable. If you’ve ever found yourself at a loss to explain behavior that you don’t want to be doing, or that might even be destructive to yourself and others, looking into this area could be a productive path that will help you understand why you are doing those things and how to change.
Similarly, in 2 recent podcast interviews, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, the best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, said something that floored me. He noted that at least 90% of us are affected by childhood trauma, whether we are aware of it or acknowledge it.
Dr. van der Kolk is no ordinary psychiatrist. He is in his early 80s and has studied trauma in many settings all his life. He is best known for the main subject of his book: how our bodies store emotional trauma and how reconnecting with our bodies through movement—dance, yoga, exercise, tai chi, strength training, or the myriad other ways we can feel things viscerally—can be a vital pathway to recognizing and healing that trauma. Dr. van der Kolk’s book is an essential read for anyone interested in maintaining and preserving their health.
As I’ve written in my book and in these pages, I know that my own life has been deeply affected by my childhood trauma, specifically, the loss and aftermath of my father’s death when I was 7. And I’ve met many others whose behavior seems to indicate early-life emotional scarring. But “at least 90%” was something I didn’t expect him to say. How each of us behaves in accordance with the dictates of early wounded emotional patterns varies greatly depending on our individual circumstances. Those patterns, which we act out in our relationships with others, can largely be grouped as “fight, flight, freeze, and please,” the 4 main ways we seek to avoid admitting our own truth and feeling the hurt we did as children.
The “Black Box” Inside All of Us—Why the Past Matters So Much
As much as we probably don’t want to admit it, most of our lives are only in our control on the surface. Our conscious mind wants us to think we are in charge. But our conscious minds are only 10% of what goes on in our brains and body, most of which is below the surface and operates on its own rhythm and rhyme. We all have this 90% “black box” inside us, the realm of intertwined biological, emotional, and mental dynamics in our subconscious mind that runs the part of us we usually aren’t aware of and take for granted. While the conscious mind is largely made up of rational thought, the language of the subconscious is visceral feeling and emotion.
The reason our childhood traumas so overwhelmingly affect our behavior in later life can be found throughout the natural kingdom. What nature’s parents teach their children in their early years gets imprinted in them in a strong way because it helps to ensure their survival. These newly learned abilities become the habit-forming behavior they exhibit for the rest of their lives. I’ve seen zebras and wildebeest being born on the plains of Africa. The first thing their mothers do is nudge them up on their feet and teach them how to run and stay with the herd. Otherwise, the circling lions, cheetahs, and hyenas will have an easy newborn meal.
Now think about our distant ancestors. Not only did they, and their tribe, have to protect their children from danger, given that humans are not able to fully function physically and attend to their own needs during their first years of life, they had to teach them what to eat, what to avoid, and how to stay safe, so they could survive to a time when they could begin to take care of themselves. This survival game was pretty universal back then: stay safe from predators, weather, and other dangers; get enough to eat; and acquire skills to help in both of those categories. As with the young zebras and wildebeests, early human parents—and the tribe as a whole—imprinted important, early behaviors on their young. Nature has programmed all new parents to pass on this survival behaviour, and has programmed all infants to be ultra receptive to it.
Cut to Modern Life
We are all born with those same psycho-biological receptors for early childhood learning. While safety and nourishment continue to be vital in childhood, we are now taught a very different set of beliefs and behaviors, such as making money and navigating the myriad demands of modern-day life. Given that we are no longer raised by a tribe of people, but by one or two parents, these imprints are largely passed on to us wholesale as the values of our parent or parents. They are the early-life examples that we learn from and copy. As children, we are blindly receptive to their whims, wishes, beliefs, and behaviors, just as they were with their parents, going back many generations.
All this imprinting becomes part of the ever-growing “black box” that expands in the background as children develop their own, unique personalities and as they begin their journey in life. The love and encouragement, or lack thereof, each of us receives from our parents works its way through each of us in infinite variations. How to act and how to behave in that first, mostly nonverbal year or two of life is largely shaped by the quality of the imprinting and attachment process as well as the child’s attempt at either pleasing their parents or avoiding their displeasure. The lasting effects of these early, unconscious motives are one the main reasons our parents and early childhood life are so often found to be the source of behavior we don’t fully understand or compulsively repeat.
Full Circle
So, what does this have to do with health, vitality, and joy in later life? Looking at my own life as an example, these behaviors and beliefs directly impact my ability to be happy. I still often find myself in the throes of the hurt I experienced as a child, not only at the hands of my parents but by life’s circumstances. Explanations for these hurt feelings can range from their head down, “make a living,” “life is hard” attitude that was forced on them when they fled Nazi Austria and became American immigrants to the crushing blow I received when my father died. These imprinted behaviors and beliefs affect virtually everything I do and who I am, from my determination and grit to how I relate to others.
My own attempts to understand and come to terms with all this, and to find compassion for myself and others for the hurt I suffered, has formed a backdrop to much of my life, whether it was through psychotherapy or through the search of wholeness and integration that resonates with me not only in my pursuit of physical health but in the core precepts of many religions and spiritual beliefs. In my journey, the pursuit of that integration is the same whether it is in the realm of body, psychology or spirit. After all, the human condition is fundamentally similar in that we all had parents, and we all were children. Those formative years shaped who we are as much as anything else, probably more. Becoming aware of the emotions that still rule in the “black box” of our subconscious is helpful to let go of disempowering behaviors. It is subtle work that most people resist, but it offers vast benefits if we pursue it.
I find that in my own life yet to live, my later life now, the search for this kind of healing and wholeness has even more weight given the fact that mortality is circling ever nearer. As I’ve written, I don’t know how much sand is left in the hourglass of my life, but I do know it is less than it was.
In the coming weeks I will post Part II of this article series, which will examine some of the specifics of how early-life issues can affect health and life.
