“Fix Yourself First”: Sage Advice from the Dalai Lama

“If you really want to help this world, what you will have to teach is how to live in it.  And that no one can do who has not himself learned how to live in the joyful sorrow and sorrowful joy of the knowledge of life as it is.”

                                                                        Joseph Campbell

 You know the instructions we all get on airplanes, “Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.” I think of that often when writing these posts. My job is not to tell people “what to do” to be healthier and lead a robust later life. Instead, I try to relate my own experience of what it’s like to have a rare kind of vibrant quality in these later years—the “golden” years that aren’t often portrayed that way. My hope is that by expressing my experience of my own journey I can have the most genuine and direct impact on those who are seeking this type of encouragement. My goal is to “fix myself first” and then share my experiences, which I hope inspires others.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the phrase “fix yourself first,” and I remembered some insightful thoughts on this topic by the Dalai Lama. I was fortunate to be invited to hear the Dalai Lama speak at a large luncheon. The event was held as a benefit for the people of Tibet. He made a few remarks and then answered some questions after the meal. One was from a well-heeled man, sporting a designer suit and clearly very affluent, who asked what we people in New York could do to help the Tibetan people. He was clearly speaking from a position of financial superiority, implying that we “fortunate” ones have so much to give, and what is the best way to do that? His money was his currency for helping, not himself. But the Dalai Lama had his number and gave a surprising answer that I’ll never forget.

“You yourself should lead a sensible life,” he told the man. “Take care of the people you love, your family, and others close to you. Show them compassion. Show yourself compassion. This is what will help the Tibetan people.”

The man looked stunned that his affluent generosity hadn’t been acknowledged, and he meekly sat down.

While the Dalai Lama didn’t actually use the phrase “fix yourself first,” his meaning was clear. In my own life I have found “fix yourself first” to be an invaluable tool. As a parent it has been an essential doctrine and course of action and continues to be so. Children learn more by watching and imitating than by having things explained to them. Being a role model means not just acting like one. My children can spot when I’m being phony, and I have learned to be honest and genuine with them, sometimes to a fault.

In our modern life, the “fix yourself first” doctrine could be confused with being egotistic, competitive, and “always looking out for number one. It is not any of those. Nor is it the false humility of always putting others ahead of yourself to your own detriment, or thinking the world around you needs fixing before you pay attention to yourself. Rather, the “fix yourself first” doctrine is based on genuine self-compassion and the sometimes lonely journey of listening to your inner voice and finding yourself first, in order to better find others, and supporting yourself first in order to better support others.