My Debt to Dr. Karen Horney

Way back when, in my early 30s, I went through a big change of life involving a divorce, a new and very challenging job, and a change in social circles. I found myself alone for the first time in many years with work being my only sustaining activity. I was lonely and more than a bit lost yet hopeful for a brighter future. But I also recognized that I needed help getting through all those challenges. I began reading psychology books— from Sigmund Freud to Alfred Adler to Carl Jung to Erich Fromm to Karen Horney—to see how each of them approached the human psyche. I also wanted to determine if any of their theories and practice approaches spoke to me more clearly and recognized my personal plight more than the others. I learned a lot and realized, much like the “Four Doctors” chapter in my book, that psychiatrists and psychoanalysts are people too, with their own subjective take on a very big subject.

I’ll never forget the first time I read Dr. Karen Horney’s book, Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. In it she strongly argues that the human psyche is not made up of dark forces that we need to overcome to be civilized and moral (which was Freud’s view). Instead, she says, “Under favorable conditions, man’s energies are put into the realization of his own potentialities.” She likened this process to an acorn growing into an oak tree, living only by the intrinsic power given to it by nature. She saw the patterns people developed as the result of being shaped by childhood trauma as roadblocks to this process of self-realization, which stifle the potential in all of us. She also argues that self-knowledge and self-truth are the ultimate paths to reclaim what is genuine about ourselves: “To work at ourselves becomes not only the prime obligation, but at the same time, in a very real sense, the prime moral privilege.”

Not long after reading her book, I called the Karen Horney Clinic’s referral line and started seeing a psychiatrist they referred me to, the beginning of a lifelong involvement in therapy as well as with the clinic. (I was president of the clinic’s board of directors for many years and am still a board member.)

Cut to Life Now

In my life now I identify with this inner force of an always evolving “real self” in an even more pronounced way, especially since my wake-up call, which began this phase of my life. (This was my “aha moment” in my late 50’s when I realized I needed to shape up—literally—to continue to be around for my very young daughters.) My evolving “real self” has expanded way beyond therapy to encompass my physical potentialities at this age as well as my inner, social, and creative potentialities. It is also the central motivating dynamic in my identification with what is genuine within me as the universal energy that moves all of nature and the universe. Human beings evolved to be curious, not only about the world around them but about the world inside them. It is a very satisfying and productive way to enhance the experience of these precious, later-life years.

How do we hear this intrinsic voice? Viktor Frankl, in his great book Man’s Search for Meaning, writes that it’s as easy as listening to your conscience, something we can all identify with.

Returning to Dr. Horney’s metaphor, an acorn faces many challenges on the road to becoming an oak tree. It needs water and nutrition, and it usually needs to struggle to find enough sunlight to take root and grow. But the growing oak tree doesn’t need to be told what to be or how to grow or why it should lose its leaves and hibernate for the winter. That part has been given to it by the universe, or God if you prefer. Once it has survived its early years, it has a much better chance of becoming a healthy, full-grown tree, fueled by the universal genetic program inside it.

The same goes for us in an even more complicated dance of physical, emotional, sociological, and spiritual aspects of our lives. We all have a central core of “who I am” that needs to be nurtured to grow and become what it can be in life if we are to feel fulfilled and feel like we are deeply and genuinely alive. Merely acting our way through life, playing roles that appeal to others, isn’t enough.

The appreciation I now have for myself far exceeds the levels I have had for most of my life. What’s more, it is a deeper appreciation of who I really am, my “real self,” not for the person others would like me to be or for what I do or have done to earn a living. These feelings, in turn, dramatically increase my appreciation of the life I have been given by the universe and make me want to continue to enjoy it in good health for as long as possible.Self-realization is at the heart of this process, and later life is a particularly good time to honestly embrace it.